Posted in relationships

Why do I attract people I cannot trust?!

If you are the kind of person who is not willing to lie, cheat, steal, spread a bad rumor and yet you attract people who do those things, this post is dedicated to you. If you ever perceived your good values as weakness, keep reading. Surely we mostly attract what we are, but not always, we sometimes attract the opposite and that’s what I’d like to talk about today.

Your social values are high, you might say clean or even pure, you play it fair and you mostly take the high road, yet somehow you find yourself attracting people who manipulate you, lie and talk badly to and about you. Even among children, we can often notice –  the sweetest kids are picked on by the bullies.

Why is that?

The answer is quite simple. They come to you because they trust you. They feel safe with you, mostly without knowing it, They are attracted to your values. They trust you will not tell others about their bad behavior, they trust that you will not make a scene, hurt them and generally get down to their level.

you even sometimes find you are compassionate towards them, you understand them and being the sweet gentle soul that you are, you are willing to give second, third and tenth chances, hoping they will realize that your way is better.

How to create energy that does not attract untrustworthy people

You must know that I am not going to offer you to change what you believe in or do things you think are wrong. But I don’t ever want you to refer to your high values as weakness. If we are interested in attracting fewer people who don’t match our high standard of values, We must create an energy that sends a clear message to those people, that even though we will not hurt them, they are still NOT invited in our lives.

Here are some ideas that helped me transform my energy and changed my circumstances.

  • Point out to them what you think is not ok. When you recognize someone lies, manipulate, being unfaithful or anything you don’t want them to do to you, simply point it out to them. Let them know you see it and don’t like it. I know it’s not easy because you are a good vibe person and calling someone by their nasty act is harsh. Find a way that is soft or sweet, a way that makes you comfortable. Find a way that is not judgmental but simply express that you don’t approve.  For example, you might say ‘i would not lie about it if I were you’ OR ‘isn’t it kind of manipulative to do that?’ OR ‘loyalty is very important to me’ OR ‘i’ll be honest, what you just did scares me and for me, that’s a turn off’ OR my favorite sentence ‘i’m sure you would not want someone to do it to you’. what it does is letting them know that what they did is not acceptable to you and even more, they are not safe with you, you will expose their bad behavior.                                                                                                          
  • Point out to them when they do something you do love. in other words tell them how much you like it when they are being honest, truthful, or whatever it is you love. That also sends a message and at the same time empowers them to repeat being good because a compliment always feels wonderful.
  • The power of NO!! This is a point I often talk about, the power of NO is often stronger than the YES. if you take a dramatic action towards one person who did something like that to you, your energy will become very strong in this matter and it is very possible that after one big NO the world will not bring you this energy again. I had challenges with this issue, I found that I often attract people I end up not trusting. The end of it was when I cut out of my life a friend that used to be so close, like a brother, this person lied and manipulated me. Cutting him out was indeed very drastic, because we were really so close, I had doubts about doing it and many second thoughts, but at the end I found that he simply scares me, I don’t like to be guarded next to my friends, I wish to have my walls down and with him I always had to wonder what is his agenda, is he telling the truth etc. I found a very loving way to do it, I was not mad at him or nasty in any way, I even didn’t tell our mutual friends what happened but I simply refused to see him again and told him what he did scare me and I just see him in a different light. It’s important to explain that this was after we talked about what happened and he showed no regret even while admitting his actions, often when we tell someone ‘get honest or let me go’ it does make them act differently, this wasn’t the case.  This experience was very powerful for me, because it was so sad to say goodbye to him, I feel sad as I am writing these words, remembering how many laughs and joy we have shared, but the harder it was, the stronger my energy changed and by choosing values over him I announced to the universe, these values come first and My vibration changed. I can truly say that since then nothing similar had happened (yet anyway).                                    
  • Show gratitude, to the ones in your life that do have the set of values you appreciate. Let them know you love it about them and why.                                               
  • Check yourself. This should maybe be number 1 on this list because anytime something like that happened to me I felt that the first thing I need to ask is ‘did I do anything like this to anyone else?’ because I do believe we mostly attract what we are. This post is about those times when it is not as simple as that, but even when our values are strong we sometimes slip, so do check yourself and make sure you are as you wish others to be.

If you are being lied to

I want to add something specific about lies. If you feel you attract people who lie to you, even though you never do, Ask yourself a very important question:  Do I give people space to tell me the truth ?!  What I mean by that is: how do you ask a question. When we want to enjoy people’s honesty, we must let them feel that we are ready for any kind of answer, especially when it’s a hard moment, to be honest.

For example, John thinks his partner Lisa is having an affair, (she is) He decides to ask her about it. If he will have terror on his face while asking if his energy will tell her that he might break down once she told him she is, then it is possible that she will be intimidated and lie to avoid the hurt of hurting.

On the other hand, if his breath will be calmer, his face will have a soft expression, perhaps sadness but not fear, then she might have space, to be honest. If he will tell her that he is here to listen and understand her, he wants to know what she is going through, then Lisa will not be intimidated, maybe she will even be relieved that he is willing to understand her and she can tell him the truth.

Another example: If you suspect that one of your employees is stealing from you, you will have to take all the employees and ask them to be honest and return what they took. one option is to threaten them and let them know whoever did that is in deep trouble, you will call the police and have them arrested. That is a huge block to honesty.

On the other hand if you say you are willing to understand, you will not call the police because you care about them and if anyone has any problem that made them steal, you are willing to help them, then it is very likely that your compassion will create space for the thief to relieve himself and come forward.

I am not saying to stay around people who do that to you, I am not saying to stay calm if your partner is unfaithful, but if its honesty you are looking for, there is a way to get there, I call it, make space for people to be honest with you.                                                    
As I finished downloading these thoughts, I realize that the reason I wrote this post, is because I never want anyone to connect between being good and being weak 

love

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