Posted in relationships

I changed, but my partner didn’t

Change is nature. Evolving and changing is one of life’s most beautiful moments, it takes mindfulness, courage, efforts and sometimes tears, but we go through all these so we can reach a better place. I think that a healthy life consists of constant evolution, one can only come when we are willing to search within ourselves and invite awareness.

Awareness is what some people call ‘spirituality’, I prefer the word awareness, because this word is clean from notions of personality type, what I mean by that,  in my head an aware person has no certain clothes or hair, this person doesn’t have specific music they like, has no colors, shapes or names. An aware person has a certain way of talking with him/herself and the world around him/her. … but maybe it’s just me… In any case, when you read the word ‘awareness’, know I am referring to what we often call ‘spirituality’. For the sake of explaining my thoughts, I am going to use this word and say – evolving times are the most spiritual moments of life.

The thing about personal evolution and spirituality in general, is that these are solo moments, it is the path we walk alone, to later share with our loved ones and on, but what if our loved ones don’t understand?! What if they don’t like it? And even don’t fit anymore?! What if our partner was suitable to the person we were before a transformation?!

This post is dedicated to a common phenomenon among the beautiful people who are evolving, in hopes to offer a smoother way to go through personal growth.

I see it often and that’s wonderful! off course each partner has their paths and their time, it is unreasonable to expect two people to always walk side by side, on a personal journey as spirituality is, it is unlikely to see anything but a certain dance between a love relationship. A dance when one changes and then the other does too.

But it’s not always the ideal case of an equal dance, more than often, the life of one of the partners take a new direction and leaves the other behind.

What did I do?!

It’s important to understand how our transformation can affect the person we are with, you might find them confused, hurt, neglected, they might feel that you don’t need or want them anymore and if you decided to change its probably because what you had before was not good enough for you. You might find them scared, insulted, its possible they will act drastically than normal.

Attraction in the works.

We often think of attraction as a physical concept, I like the way she looks and so I approach her. But when it comes to a long-term committed relationship, We should consider, that if someone is attracted to us, it means they feel at home with us, with our strengths and weaknesses too, you might say that our weaknesses feel like home for the person who is attracted to us. In my opinion, this is an important point: attraction happens between suitable energies. What it means is that if I was weak, needy, dependent if I had low self-esteem if I was living through fears, the person that was attracted to me and made me his home, feel safe with those prisons of mine. It is comfortable for them.

Allow me to give an extreme example:  if X is a violent, abusive man he will only be attracted to women who fit him, weak, submissive, easy to manipulate, women with low self-esteem! He will not even approach a strong woman, can you imagine a violent man attracted to a feminist? he will not belong there and deep down he knows it!

attraction happens between suitable energies, it needs to fit.

But we are not talking (only) about these extreme situations, I do believe most people love their partner, but even when they express that they wish us to be rid of what keeps us unhappy and they mean it, they are good people and want to see us free, even then, it doesn’t matter! They felt belong to what we had to offer, that’s where they first felt comfortable. It is possible that unconsciously, they will try and keep us away from growth, without knowing, they will try to manipulate the situation, not because they are bad or manipulative, but because they are scared.

What will they do?

Some will express it with drama, fights, tears, distance but mostly what they will do, probably unconsciously, is to keep your weakness alive, somehow, someway. For example: if Steve is used to financially take care of his partner Nina, once she starts becoming financially independent, he might experience fear of losing a safe position in her life and without awareness, he might try to keep her dependent on him.

Being that this is Nina’s weakness, it might work for a while, when someone who knows us so well, pushes our fear buttons, they might be successful, however more than often, we will still make our way forward and their unconscious manipulation will only create distance and dissonance between us and our partners.

Empowering transition

Once we know all this, we can practice wisdom and compassion in our relationship and while we grow, enhance the connection to our partner, instead of the opposite. In many cases, once one of the two is going through a huge change, the couple might end up apart, I think we can find it often between couples who started their relationship earlier in life, once reached a deeper, more mature adulthood, who they became was a world difference, from the earlier version of themselves. This post is for the ones who wish to stay together.

Below are a few ideas that helped me in this situation, I hope it will serve you as well!

Who am I? Who was I?

Be very clear with yourself about the changes you have been through, what kind of weaknesses you left behind, in which areas of your life did you get stronger and freer? What kind of person are you becoming? And what kind of person were you, when you first met your partner? These answers will help you understand the kind of person you are with because remember, your partner felt comfortable with that version of you. There is a direct correlation between those weaknesses you had and what made your partner feel safe.

Evolve & involve

This is probably the biggest tool for making your partner feel safe in the new situation, involve them as much as possible, not only by sharing what you are going through but also by telling them what part they have in your change. Tell them what you might need them to do, or to understand, tell them how you want them to support you and help you, how you need them to escort you through this process.

We’re in good company

Talk about these ideas mentioned in this post and together be aware of this process that happens to the best of couples. It always helps to know there are others who are going through the same as you. The fact that I used the word ‘unconscious’ many times should tell you that I believe that this is not an easy process or a quick one, it might not be easy for your partner to hear that you believe they feel good about your weaknesses, try to explain how would you feel if they have changed, how it might be scary for you, you don’t mean to say that they are manipulative and don’t want you to grow, you just understand that it might be scary and most of all, you don’t want the change to create distance between you two.

Paint a beautiful picture

Tell your loved one, how life will be better due to your change, how you will be happier and be a better partner to them, how this is something you’ve wanted for some time and how they helped you in this process.

Wishing you all beautiful relationships, the kinds that involve growth, change, and evolution.

love ❤

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